Looking back

I want to use this last post of the month March to

go back to March 1, when I wrote a confession.

I wrote about quitting my anxiety and panic medication.

Immediately it was really hard, having all sorts of withdrawal

symptoms and for 10 long days it almost seemed like it

wasn't going to end and I almost fell back to it, but didn't

and I'm so happy about that now! I feel like I have my Joris,

my family, my friends and you to thank for it!

I know that in the end I did it myself but all the people

around me helped me so much!

All the medication should be out of my blood about

now and I definitely notice changes. Changes I don't

like, but also changes I do like.

I don't like that I jump every time I hear a loud or

unexpected sound, or that big groups of people

make me very uncomfortable and blushing.

Sometimes a panic attack sneaks up to me...

But I can work with it!

I do like that I have all my emotions back, though it's

sometimes very weird that I start crying out of nowhere.

But I'm also laughing loud and hysterically and one time

so bad I spit out all of my drink :D.

Meanwhile I got a new look, a new camera, spring,

and... Pride.

Tomorrow is a new month, and the beginning of

living without medication and learning to cope with it.

I'm eager for it!

Thank you all :)!

Love,

Nikki

First Diana mini batch!

I picked up my Diana pictures today :)!

I brought the film to a bit more expensive photo store,

because I was afraid the 'regulars' didn't really know how to

handle the film of this brilliant camera.

Well unfortunately this lady was so confused about it!

When I arrived she was like 'oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry but it turned

out awful, I only printed a couple to show you'.

She showed me three pictures and looked  at me sympathetically.

And I was like, I love it! It's brilliant!

She looked at me even more confused than she already was, and

when I asked her to print the rest of the film you could clearly see

in her face that she thought it was pure madness!

But, she did as I asked, and when I paid and left she said;

'Well, I'm happy YOU like them'.

And I sure do!

Of course not all of them were a success and you can

see I experimented a lot with all the options, not always working out,

but come on, aren't these lovely :)?

You can see a bit of my home town and the picture in the top right corner

is Rotterdam. You can see my three kitties and my sweetie while we were

cycling. The white flowery bike is mine :).

So my first Diana mini adventure is over, and I hope there are

more and more to come!

Love,

Nikki

Pinsperation

Sources:

1. Gollybard 2. Elsiecake 3. Mimmi Staaf

4. Blutsgeschwister and Swedish Hasbeens

5. Beehives 6. Emdryden 7. Style-Files

Love,

Nikki

Music Monday: American Idiot

I never ever liked Green Day but boy do I love this!

Can't stop singing!

Balcony Kitties

The kitties and I really wish we had a garden, but we are also

happy with our balcony :).

I took these snapshots today with my vistaquest and

shot through my entire diana film!

----

This week I had a lot of webshop orders, an allergic reaction

on my face {itchy!} which is now gone thanks to some

allergy pills {I still don't exactly know what was the cause},

I went to visit a possible future education with my mom and

after that we visited my aunt, Joris and I spoiled ourselves

by buying expensive groceries as parmesan cheese,

donuts and tiramisu and experimented with

new recipes. I also watched a lot of Glee :).

Love,

Nikki

VQ Berlin

It's been way too long since I used my little VistaQuest!

I thought about it while thinking of which camera's I own

now that I also have such a pretty Diana Mini.

When I was looking at the pictures still on the VQ I was

taken completely by surprise; apparently I took 1 shot

with it while I was in Berlin last year! I never even

saw it before :)

And if you are wondering where I got this absolutely wonderful

border; go here!

I don't have Diana pictures for you yet,

hopefully I can develop my first film somewhere

next week. I'm so curious!

Love,

Nikki

Kokeshi

I made my first Illustrator creation.

I don't have a drawing pad yet so I used my mouse,

I believe it could've been prettier with a drawing pad...

But still, I'm pretty content with it :)!

I thought I could maybe donate it to the

Japan Charity Exhibition but I can't print it :(!

Must think of something!

Anyway, here it is!

Dear Friend

I received a lovely present yesterday from a dear friend.

Digital design books! I used them for the background,

deers and flowers you see above :).

Thank you so much dear friend!

Oh and by the way, I answered some of your questions,

see the F.A.Q page :)!

Love,

Nikki

Hello Diana!

Look who's here!

I ordered her last week!

From the first moment I saw her I was in love with her,

but she did cost a pretty penny, so I was waiting for better

financial times.

This moment came last week, when I closed the door of the

tattoo shop after hearing the tattoo I had in mind wasn't a

good idea (something with overflowing ink and after

a year it would look like a big stain). I was so

devastated, but the first thing I thought of

cheering me up was using part of the money set aside

for the tattoo on this Diana Mini!

A bit impulsive, but I'm very happy about it,

because I love camera's and I adore this one!

You can buy her here or Dutchies here, but, perhaps even better;

you can win her over at The Dainty Squid!

Love,

Nikki

Spring

Hallelujah it's spring!

Though it's still a bit chilly outside, the sun is brightly shining :).

I can't wait for the moment I can leave the house without a

coat, the air smelling of flowers and wearing only a lovely

light vintage dress...

You need to go check Ecojot!

First of all, it's green as can be and second of all

everything is so darn cute!

I'm going to enjoy this first spring day and I hope that wherever

you are, sunshine will be upon you in every way possible :)

Love,

Nikki

Dachshunds and Shoes

Did everyone have a nice weekend :)? I did, though it was also a little exhausting. My little brothers liked the daxies my mother in law and I made them:

Oh, I made this picture before I gave them tails :p.

I spoiled myself today at my favorite store in The Hague; Wwen.

Everything in this store is so pretty! They have all the brands I love!

I got a lot of compliments this week about my shoes :D

I thrifted them a while ago and finally wore them!

That's all for today!

Love,

Nikki

New Look

Almost forgot, I promised to show you the new hairdo :)

Oops, forgot my earrings! And a little better look at this skirt, it was a thrift find, but the new price tag was still on it :D

I'm going to friends for dinner now, and this evening to a party. Tonight I'll probably be putting together two knitted (by mother in law) dachshunds for my little brothers who's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm staying the night in The Hague!

See you Sunday :)!

Love,

Nikki

Help Japan

Nan Lawson

A lot of Etsy stores have made special items

which proceeds are donated to help the earthquake and

Tsunami stricken Japan.

You and I can help too ♥

MiniCyn

Little art studio

Paper Polaroid

Green Optimist

Elephant Dancing

Crave Jewelry Design

Who doesn't want that

This is only a small selection.

Of course you can also donate straight away.

If you are from Holland, go here.

p.s. I just saw this on one of my favorite blogs:

Look here!

Hair

I had a little make over :)

(P)insperation

Some pinterest faves ♥

See my pinterest for the sources :)

Thrifty Goodies

I dragged my lazy bum to the basement to get

my goodie-bag of thrifts, and while at it

took some pictures :).

The adorable phone comes with a twin and a long line to connect

them. I tried to talk Joris into putting one in his study so I

could call him from the living room. No such luck unfortunately :p.

They'll probably be in the shop soon, as will the other items. 

Accept for the book, because I developed a serious case of 

children's books addiction! Isn't the little squeaky deer cute? I

already have her sister so she soon will be up for adoption as well :).

Love,

Nikki

Movie Monday : Moby

Moby is one of my kitties.

She grew up at my dad's so I never had any

cute pictures of her from when she was little, which

I was actually a little sad about; can you imagine not

having pictures from your baby period?

And can you imagine how thrilled I was when my brother send

me this little movie he found from when Moby was little and still

living at my dad's? It's really the cutest ever, her ears are so big

and she looks so different yet so the same :)!

I just can't stop watching and melting!

The wiggly-toe is my brother by the way ;).

Frutsel, one of my other kitties, has found herself

a new temporary favorite spot:

Silly one :)!

If you are wondering what's going on here; I'm keeping

myself buzzy in boyfriends study/play a lot of computer games room.

It was about time the room got a little make over so I'm ripping

off wallpaper and carpet. It's my birthday present for him :).

Next step; painting!

Love,

Nikki

Portfolio

Last week, the portfolio I made came in the mail!

I think it turned out lovely ♥

It's a good reflection of who I am, what I like and make :)! It's a great 'take me with you' size so I can show it to everyone who would want to see it and who'm I wish to see it...

I have a question for you girls, I already tweeted and facebooked it; Is there something you want to ask me?

I want to create a little 'questions & answers' post for my blog so you can get to know me a little better, and also as a referral to questions that might come in the future. I would love it if you help me come up with questions or maybe there is something you've been dying to know about me yourself ;)? Anyway, now is your chance :)!

Love,

Nikki

Thrifts and Gifts

I'm starting to feel a little bit like myself again. The hardest part seems to be over and though I do feel a clear difference in anxiety with and without medication, I want to learn how to handle it on my own and I'm certain there are several tools to get me on my way.

I've been wanting to post this for a while and finally took some pictures! I have some new cute thrifts I want to show :)

This is only part of it because the other bag with goodies is still in my basement and I'm currently to lazy to get them ;). So more pictures later on.

Presents in your mailbox, it's such a joyful thing! I was so lucky to receive a 'wish birdy' from Sil and the most precious vintage Bambi card from one of my favorite designers; Julie!

I received the pretty deer vase from Gabrielle ♥ Thank you so much sweet ladies!

The last thing I want to share, is that I finally sort of discovered the diaphragm button on my camera. I mean, of course I noticed the button right away when I bought my amazing(!) Nikon about a year ago, I just never

thought of using it. Pretty silly actually, because the diaphragm let's you play with how many light streams into your lens and that way you can create pictures like this :

Pretty cool right? This is a vintage card game I thrifted by the way :)! I think I'm going to have a lot of fun experimenting with it.

Have a nice Saturday sweeties!

Love,

Nikki

A little better

♥ ♡ ♥

These cuties were given to me by the sweet lady I met on Marktplaats.

I still can't get over the fact that I got so many things for free,

thank you so much Gabrielle ♥

I'm slowly starting to feel better! I'm so happy!

And your comments and ideas truly helped me so much ♥

Because of my lighter mood and the shining sun, I created a spring

layout for my blog. No more umbrella and raindrops ;) ♥

Love,

Nikki

Update

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to check in for a little update. The physical side affects from quitting my medicine are getting a little better every day. The nausea and strong headaches are gone, leaving me with dizziness and really weird electric shock-like sensations in my head. I'm glad that at least the physical symptoms are getting better.

Unfortunately I can't say the same about my mental symptoms. Every day I wake up with anxiety and my emotions are all over the place. The worst thing, is that everything feels so unreal :(. My house doesn't

feel like home and my usual daily activities feel strange, like I've never done them before. I feel sort of alienated from myself, am I still me? Like my brain has to start over and has to get to know and learn

everything again. This to me, is the worst thing, because when I experience anxiety I tend to cling to things that feel familiar and safe, but nothing feels that way.

I'm also mad at my therapist, while I had doubts, he assured me that from 30mg to 0mg was a standard reduction, but if I had the choice again, I would definitely have taken it much and much slower. I just want to shake him and yell at him, I guess it sort of feels nice to focus on blaming someone, though I know he probably couldn't have guessed this.

It's hard, when I feel this way, to focus on the feeling better part. Everybody says it only takes a couple of weeks, and than the withdrawal symptoms will fade away. But it's so hard to believe and I'm so scared that it never will, that I just won't be able to live without the junk.

I'm not writing this for pity by the way, It just helps me to write it down and maybe let you guys know how it feels, how I feel...

I'm so glad the sun is shining...

Love,

Nikki

Snapshots

The sun lured me out of bed for a few snapshots...

1. View from bed {messy closet} 2. New addition
3. Squeaky deer  4. Kitties enjoying temporary chair

So far... not so good...

Dear blog readers,

I just wanted to write a short note to let you know I have a tiny leave of absence. It appears that I underestimated how hard the withdrawal symptoms would be. The perfectionist in me doesn't want to blog

unless it's a perfectly cheery well thought of post, so on this note I'll be back the moment  that perfectly cheery well thought of post pops in.

''Take it easy''
{Flow Magazine}

Also, I humongous cyber hug to all of you, your comments, messages and presents made my days a lot more tolerable.

Love,

Nikki

Confession

I have a confession to make.

At first I've been really hesitant about sharing this on my

blog, but on the other hand, my blog is about me and about the

things in life. My life.

Today is sort of a big day for me.

For the first time in 6 years, I'm going to bed tonight without

taking a magic little pill.

For the past 6 years I've been taking medication for anxiety and

panic attacks. When my therapist first offered it to me

I really didn't feel much for it, but I must agree that it helped

me in some way to get to where I am now. 

A steady foundation has been built, and I'm ready for

the next level.

It did have downsides, like side affects and it really does do

something to your body. When I would accidentally miss

a dose I felt like crap for several days.

I've tried quitting before, but it's quite hard to do so,

always leading me to relapse. I felt so hooked.

Another big no-no is that they discourage getting

pregnant while on medication, and I have the biggest

baby wish ever {no current plans though ;) }.

With all of this in mind, last year I decided to stop.

On January first, I started reducing the dose and so far so good.

The only thing I noticed is a slight fear of being alone

and travelling makes me feel uncomfortable.

I also started blushing again when I'm suddenly the

center of attention in big groups. But hey, if that's all

I'll gladly take it!

I'm happy it'll be out of my system soon {this'll take about a

month} and than I'll just be purely Nikki.

Just me, handling life on my own!

I can do this :)!

I hope I didn't scare anyone away on my usually cheerful

blog. I just wanted to get this into the world and out of my mind.

Thank you for listening, or... reading :)!

Love,

Nikki